Real:

I was a guest at a Bible study last week, and had the privilege of witnessing an interesting conversation. It is typically my modus operandi, to tread softly when among people with whom I have no history or back-story. One of my many pet peeves is that anyone with half a mind feels as though they are obligated to give voice to their opinions at any given time, without regard or respect for context. So, while it was a stimulating conversation, given the fact that I hadn’t earned the right to be heard, I commenced to listen intently.

The conversation stemmed from a rather spirited, bordering on structuralist bloviation on the idea that nearly everything that we do, as humans, is “sin.” The illustration was made that nearly every time we read our Bible, we do so sinfully. Yes… take it in… stew on it… I did. Now, certainly there can be all kinds of angles, arguments and interpretations on this. However, my commitment not to sew in that field where I had not plowed, allowed me to provide the space for the true message. Think about it. We approach our Bibles most often with a selfish ambition. I want to “feel,” closer to God. I “feel” guilty because I haven’t read my Bible in a while. I “feel” lost, so I am going to read my Bible to gain wisdom. The fact is that rather than approaching the scripture from a posture of offering, we more often than not approach it from a posture of receiving and this self indulgence and self service at it’s most base level, is rooted in sin. It was a thought that allowed me to gain greater insight into how truly un-worthy we are to receive the gracious gift of living in God’s presence.

Perhaps the most interesting portion of the evening was afterwards when I had the opportunity to dialogue with a few of the regulars at this study. One of them had shared that his life-long commitment to daily Bible reading was leaving him empty. This struck me as odd and interesting. In the midst of the study, I had found myself musing on the times before there was such a thing as scripture, so this naturally led me into a post- study conversation and ultimately the question: Could you find God, if you didn’t have a Bible? Of course, for a person whose church upbringing had never required him to consider such a reality, the question was received with bewilderment. However, the point was entirely clear. Like many other things in our media inundated culture, I think we have shoved the muscle work of “knowing” God off on the leather bound books we lug to church every Sunday (well, some of us…). Lest anyone think I am advocating the removal of scripture from the environments that we have created to experience God, I made it imminently clear that I believed scripture to be God ordained. However, I cannot see how it is more ordained than the actual living out of the “relationship” with Christ that we modern day American evangelicals like to shove down people’s throats. Come on everyone who’s been in church for a while, recite it with me 1 – 2 – 3 “it’s not religion, it’s a RELATIONSHIP!” …or is it? In that deepest, darkest time, when the world has seen fit to shit all over you, and your Bible is nowhere to be found, could you find God? Paul did (and he never knew Jesus). Martin Luther did (he never had a new testament). I have a huge desire to implant the words of scripture into my heart, but I think now, I have an even greater desire to cling to the spirit of God in my midst.

It’s really amazing how you can imagine something to be a certain way, begin to adjust to what the future holds, and essentially begin to live it, even though it’s not yet reality. In my mind, I was finished with my family, I had provided a much needed and deserved sibling for my beloved son, and Miki and I were having good natured battles over names, yet it wasn’t reality yet. This truth is now all too near to us.

There’s no other way to say it. My wife’s birthday was in fact not a day of birth, but a day of death this year. As a filmmaker and a lover of film I could not have written a more profound irony. Yet in spite of what some would see as a cruel turn of events, we have somehow taken the turn, to see where it leads. As my wife’s birthday ended with more tears than candles, we sat upon our bed reflecting. Our reflections turned to prayer and our prayers…to praises to God for our blessings…where we live…our church…our family…our friends…our incredibly wonderful son Gavin, and nearly as soon as it started this nightmare quickly dissipated. As any really scary nightmare does, the memories live on the next day and beyond, but you realize that it is past, there is nothing you can do about it, and more importantly that you still live to dream another dream.

So we will…dream another dream. It’s amazing how when you begin to reflect upon your blessings, your losses become like a vapor. While the scent of loss still lingers, our appetite for God’s blessings has become more unquenchable.

Hmm…how to start this? I am a lover of the question. As such, my blog will always be a forum for the question. While it may always be deconstructive in nature, it should never be taken for granted that answers are not being pursued, that belief is not present, and that conviction is not central. As I pursue Christ, I ask questions along the way, and allow him to plant answers in my soul, as opposed to drafting my answers upon my own understanding for the purpose of being spewed upon a page (or blog). With this said, the current manifestation of “church,” has always baffled me. There is a quote, which gets bludgeoned to death in many circles, (the version below has been edited as well), but is profound just the same.

“Christianity started out in Palestine as a fellowship. It moved to Greece and became a philosophy, then it went to Rome and became an institution. Finally it came to America where it became an enterprise.” -Richard Halverson

It is this “institutional enterprise,” which has, in all my 13 years of journeying with Christ, caused perpetual head scratching. I have a good friend, who was sharing with me a few weeks ago (in the early stages of his divorce). As he was wishing his soon-to-be ex-wife would more fully understand who he is, he began to recount his past. His is a past littered with institutional incarceration. He lamented to me that because he had been incarcerated for better than 90% of his adult life, he has become institutionalized. The effects of this being, among other things, an impaired ability to make good decisions. When he and I dine together, it’s a running joke that he has to eat everything on his plate with a spoon. This is training which has become deeply embedded in his behaviors, as a result of not having any other utensils in prison. It’s not that he doesn’t recognize the usefulness, or even lack the ability to use a fork or knife. He has simply chosen to live out his limited and comfortable dining regimen. I think the intuitive reader is already catching where I’m going with this.

I need to take a bit of a rabbit trail. I am a long time punk rock fan. From the time I was 11, I was listening to this kind of music. Even today, at 32 with a wife and a child, I can’t escape my punk rock roots. One thing that has changed, is that while when I was young, I bought into the things that were being portrayed in the music, now I find I learn so much about humanity and those whose hope does not lie with God. One of my favorite bands has been Suicidal Tendencies. The lead singers name is Mike Muir, and his life experience is harrowing to say the least. He wrote a song from his personal experience called “Institutionalized.” At first blush, it reads like a teenage, angst filled anthem against authority. However, there is much to be learned about “church,” because it’s effects are not all that much unlike Mike Muir’s musings. Read the rest of this entry »

Well, I’ve been evaluating the nature of my blogging career, (which has been intermittent at best). I am wired in such a way that I take the notion of seasons very seriously. By way of providing a specific example, there is the phenomenon of, “planning for the coming year.” Every year, the last two months represent for me a time of reflection on what has been in the year past, as well as projection into what the year coming might hold. In the nature of this “season,” I have been planning my new blog. As is often the case, I have made this process so intensely cereberal, that it has taken me full circle to the simpler truth of it; there are very few things in life which aren’t simply seasonal. What I mean by this is best exemplified by my zealous pursuit of the “perfect visual design” of my blog. What best represents me? What colors? What fonts? What title? The complexity of it all caused me to realize something about who I am (or am not). I am not rigid, my life has never been categorized by a single theme. By the same token, I am not amoeboid, in the sense that I have a deeply held and structural skeleton to which my life adheres. This structure is comprised of my image and understanding of who God is, my life experience, my life inexperience, my philosophies, my friends, my family and my (hopefully God given) vision of what the future holds….all of this (and much much more) over a blog! Sure, your blog can be a representation to the world of who you are, what you think, and what you hold dear or think is “cool.” After much ado, I decided that less is more. I decided “this” blog (did you catch the implication of a sequel?) would try to capture some aspect of the essence of why we were created and placed here on earth. More specifically, what the hell are we supposed to do? The decisions, the directions in life, raising our kids, choosing our pass-times, the list goes on and on. This is where the title for my blog emerged. What is real? I offer you my definition, because it is my blog. My definition frames the word “real” as a noun, as opposed to an adjective. It might best be illustrated in the phrase “keeping it real.” While it doesn’t fit well in a sentence, my definition allows the use of the word “real” as a synonym for “life.” There are two key elements to living life in correct composition, as I see it. The first is a thorough understanding and a healthy respect for one’s own individual context (what is), and an ever zealous and internally overwhelming pursuit of God’s will (what should be). There you have it; “the pursuit of what is, and what should be…” This is what we are all doing in life (my blog = my assumptions). Now that the stage is set, I’m hoping to post more thoughtful, and pertinent blog entries, but I felt it was important to explain what the hell my blog title means.

Finally, the picture. Why did I choose such a random picture? Believe it or not, it speaks to me. I took this picutre in my kitchen (as you can plainly see). The image hasn’t been color corrected, it hasn’t been altered in any way other than to be cropped a bit to fit the header of my blog. There is something so profoundly mundane about my kitchen (and all of our kitchens). They are a life source in many ways, they are a place to prepare sustenance for the living body, a place to provide sustenance for the bodies friends and family, yet no one really takes pictures of them unless they are trying to show them off in a magazine, and even then it’s not for reasons that correspond with why a kitchen exists. It makes me wonder, were our churches supposed to be the kitchens in God’s house, rather than the house itself?